What Broke Me as a Child

I was born into a world to be raised by children - adults, they call themselves.

That would've been totally fine by me, to be raised by children - after all, it's not like I ever believed that they had some deep insights into the world that couldn't occur to some bright children. But the fact is that they always insisted that they had some deep insights into the world we shared, and it seemed too obvious to me that they didn't.

In this respect, I realized since I was little that adults were no different from children in general and that they couldn't be trusted just on the premisse that they were adults. Sometimes, as a kid, I would hurt at the schoolyard, playing with my friends. I concluded that the same was true for adults - life had replaced their schoolyard, and the heavy, harsh experiences brought about by it were now their friends. Their wounds, instead of physical, were now psychological. They had lost something - perhaps courage to challenge, open-mindedness, independent thinking, empathy and capacity to have fun; they had gained other features which I didn't like, such as hatred of what is different and fear of losing something which I didn't immediately knew what it was, but later realized was self-esteem and pride. So there it was - the reason as to why everytime adults were challenged on anything, they reacted as if you were taking away a toy from them. They had never really stopped being children in that sense: their self-love and pride and joy were at risk everytime a child tried to understand, to inquire, to reason; when curiosity knocked on the door, the whole foundation of the building would shake. This was all they had - the hard-cooked remains of a happy, carefree youth.

I think that's one of the things that broke apart my spirit when I was a kid. That's what, I think, was the death of an otherwise psychologically healthy kid - the early realization that I couldn't trust anyone to take care of me. "No - I need someone", I thought. I desperately searched for a true adult - someone wise and fun; someone to grab me and save me from the other insensitive, scary children; someone who understood and was not afraid to understand more.

My grandfather threw me a short, fragile rope (it was all he could give) - I grabbed it, I tried to cling to it and go up the well of desperation I was in. But I couldn't go all the way up - not until later in my life, when I was strong enough to climb all by myself.

Now, as a grown child (and not an adult), I look at the well with a certain nostalgia - the dark room where my mind lived in is no more.

Conceited Me

People are shit.

I agree.

The similarity between you and me is that I, too, don't strive to be perfect.

The difference between you and me is that I don't complain about the human species and sit idle, waiting for the next show of human stupidity so that I can throw the lazy-champion punchline. The difference between you and me is that I chose to make myself in such a way as to avoid spreading the malady even further.

Bird's Eye View XII

Some people have the strange notion that somewhere, somehow, there should exist someone who accepts all their flaws; but if they recognize them as flaws, I fail to understand why they themselves didn't start working on them to set the example as that kind of person in the first place. They are either unaware of their own condition, or they are selfish, egocentric people. I am not going to plunge into which is the more detrimental for human relationships.

Bird's Eye View XI

The most pleasing story is, more often than not, the one we choose to tell ourselves in order to cope with the most disturbing story we are actually part of.

Social Contract on Freedom of Speech

Me being free includes the possibility that I'm going to say something which is going to hurt you personally - otherwise I could not speak out of fear of hurting you, and fear is not a sound basis for happiness.

You being free, however, should also include the fact that your happiness and well-being would not be generally compromised by any individual stating their opinion - otherwise you would live in fear of someone stating what you don't agree with because it offends you personally, defying freedom.

Therefore each of us would do well to attempt to maximize our own happiness and freedom, so that both of us can speak our mind without being in fear of personal offense, never losing, however, the compassion and love and respect, not necessarily for personal views, but for each other as human beings.