I feel like I am inside a sphere made of despair. This sphere is contracting and I am at the center - pressure builds up as it tries to crush all that I am. I have been trying my very best to escape for the last few months. I look as hard as I can for some way out, but every point in the sphere seems to be exactly the same as any other - despair is all around me. I can see myself projected into the spherical surface as it contracts - it tells me both the present, the future I wish I could have and the future I will not have.
- I can see myself waking up sick and anxious in the morning, after crushing nightmares.
- I can hear the sound of silence when I am alone - a whisperer to joyful memories of the past. The unbearable feeling of loniless and solitude in this world.
- I can hear my heart beating as I run to escape depression and catch up with happiness.
- I can hear my heart stopping as I see my mother and grandma, alone in their own houses. They are decaying and I can do nothing to stop it.
- I can see my grandfather trying to give me the strenght to carry on.
- I can see my brother playing the violin as he remembers how much mom and grandma have done for us. How much does he miss grandpa?
- I can see the ocean and the waves at the beach; I feel the sand under my feet - I am happy in a summer that has long past.
- I can feel the embrace of someone who does not exist but who I need so much. Someone who can quench the suffering that I am feeling, even if for a while. I know I should not wish it - but I cannot help wishing it. Precisely because of that, I know I will not have it.
My dreams of salvation will not be fulfilled. My expectations, my needs, will not be met.
Help will not come.
Suffering will not stop for now.
The sphere will not stop contracting.
For the first time in a long time, I am afraid.
For the first time in a long time, I feel impotent in the face of adversity.