The aspect of being was never easy to me.
Ever since I remember remembering, I was in angst with existing in this world. It was like a disconnect - a noise produced by a poorly tuned violin. This destructive interference between my way of being and the tune of the world was the cause of my suffering and existencial crisis for about 20 years. How can a psychologically troubled kid like me express this pain in the most clear and concise manner? Even if I could, who would be capable of understanding my complexities, my own shadow? As far as I could tell, this shadow extended far beyond the capabilities of my verbal articulation - but it always accompanied me in my journey through life and was never ignored.
Having a different tune than the world can be hard as hell - but it was by no means the whole story. There was more - there was this ideal. The ideal tune; the pure tune. I could feebly hear it - far beyond in the distant future, deep into the abyss of my own consciousness and in the background of the metaphysical landscape. Every time I paid attention, it was like seeing this picture which captured the true dichotomy of what I was. This picture was two-fold. In the first scenario, I was in chains - weak, coward, oversensitive, destructive; the dissonance was the background music which I knew so well. In the second scenario, I was unchained - strong, brave, confident, balanced, flying; the background music was a finely tuned violin song.
I never knew why this ideal was with me - I just remember always having it, like my shadow. I tried desperately to make sense of this painful way of being to someone - to my mother (in her own words, I was an "(...) extremely complicated kid"), to my grandfather and to characters in books. No one could hear me, no one could tell me. Even the other children did not seem to have this dissonance - they were not smiling all the time, but they seemed happy with the world in general. This only added to my resentment. Having the notion of an ideal was painful, since my self-awareness was right in telling me that I was as far as I could from it - perhaps that it was even unattainable. The years of self-hate that followed were a predictable reflection of this distance that existed between what I was, what the world was and what the ideal was.
It was clear to me that I had two choices if I wanted to keep on living. Either I would bend the knee to the dissonance of the world and make myself one with it - at the risk of losing my identity and ceasing to hear the weak but beautiful melody of the ideal violin - or I would struggle to remove the distance between me and the ideal - at the risk of suffering so much from the fight that I would die.
The reason why I chose the latter, in retrospective, is not so obvious. As far as I could tell, the world was filled with people whose knees were bent to suffering. Not only did they accept suffering, they did not think about it - their shadow was the true sculptor of their way of being. Beings sculptured by shadows are resentful because they hurt inside - because they hurt, they hurt others, intentionally or not - because others are hurt, suffering takes over as they let their shadows tame them - and the so goes the cycle. Human beings can only stand a certain amount of suffering without giving up their construction to their shadows - that is because it is far easier, when you are tired of fighting, to give up responsibility than to take it up. I did not want to contribute to this cycle of existential suffering - so I made a choice.
My mind was made up on taking responsibility for my own suffering; on closing in distance to the ideal tune. The question is clear, the answer is not: how to do such a thing? It took me years of action and thought and destruction and reconstruction of myself to figure out the answer and a clear way of articulating it.
I look at it in this way. My shadow represents an amalgam of all my fears, insecurities and troubles. It represents the chains that hold me in my place; the distance that separates me from my ideal; the boundaries of my comfort zone. Beyond this zone lies what I do not want to face - darkness. At the same time, that is precisely what I have to face in order to get hear the sound of the violin louder and louder and get constructive interference between what I am and the world I live in. So I take a deep breath, get closer to the boundary - I am shaking - and take a step into the darkness. It is cold, it hurts but I can hear the violin. My eyes adjust to the darkness, my body gets used to the cold and when I look back my comfort zone is a little wider. I did not die from taking a step forward - in fact, I expanded my zone of action by being brave and thus shedding light on the surrounding darkness. I can now hear the violin a little louder and my being is more resonant with the world I live in. The answer was clear:
Whatever things you fear and do not face become your limits.
The things you fear are nothing but little monsters which, if you do not tame, will consume you. If you face them, the fear will eventually go away - you become their master, you are now in control. You take the chains that bound you and use them to tame your own shadow so that it does not define your limits. This requires bravery and suffering and determination - but as far as I am concerned, it is the proper way of living. I started facing my fears; speaking my mind even in face of fear; being okay with failing over and over again. Lack of confidence was tamed and it turned into confidence; over-sensitivity became balanced and I dominated the fear of being hurt - the list goes on. The meaning of freedom becomes clear:
I am as free as I can be, precisely because I refused to be bound by fear.
Along the way, I noticed that my ideal was way closer to me than I originally thought. My ideal was precisely the realization of the way for me to properly live - I felt in resonance for the first time. An ever-growing light circle; a dissonance that grows weaker and weaker; a gameplay between looking at my vast comfort zone but always wanting to step into the darkness, seeking to hear the violin louder and louder. Beside me, all my past fears that are now my friends - they are the part of my shadow that was tamed. Ahead of me, the remaining darkness.
Curious, excited - I plunge.